falling apart into the whole

I know I’m 36. But some days I just want to lie down and throw a big ol’ temper tantrum. I know life’s not fair. I get it. And can it just feel fair for a couple of minutes?

I talked to my brother last night. He thinks Mom is letting go and that she won’t likely live to see Christmas. Or maybe just Christmas because her favorite thing to do is watch her grandkids open presents.

My dad is getting weaker week-by-week. So my brother believes they will spend the summer in their house and then we will have to move Dad into assisted living. That is Dad’s biggest fear. I think once he leaves the house he built and loses his wife of 47 years, he will let go too.

I’m trying so hard to see the positives. To appreciate that I have the best parents I could ask for. That my kids have had time with grandparents who dote on them. I’m grateful that I have warning, so I can say the things I want to say. Do the things I want to do. There is time. There is joy. There is beauty. And there is a flood of tears coming from a 36 year old little girl who doesn’t want to say goodbye to her Mom and Dad.

cishetssuck:

friendly reminder that:

• you are not weak if you want meds for your disorder
• you are not weak if you relapse once
• you are not weak if you relapse a thousand times
• you are not weak if some kinds of therapy don’t work for you
• you are not weak if some kinds of meds don’t work for you
• you are not weak if you have a mental disorder.

(via autopilotfootprints)

You have learnt so much
And read a thousand books
Have you ever read your self?
You have gone to the mosque and temple
Have you ever visited your soul?
You are busy fighting Satan
Have you ever fought your ill intentions?
You have reached into the skies
But you failed to reach what is in your heart

(via lola-a-soul-traveler)